We open with our protagonists, twins Freddy and Cara Renfield, being left alone on the eve of their 13th birthdays [Ooh, siblings. I think they were just best friends in the book]. The twins promise not to hunt for their birthday presents while their parents are out, but of course that’s the first thing they do as soon as they’re alone [Naughty, naughty]. After having no luck in the rest of the house, the twins head down to the creepy basement where Freddy accidentally knocks over a cabinet while trying to reach a box on the top shelf. Behind the cabinet is a door, and a curious Freddy and Cara quickly venture inside and into a stone hallway lit by torches along the walls [Ooky spooky!].
They find another door further down and inside, the twins discover a vertical coffin [!!!!] as well as a blue bottle of curious mist labelled Vampire Breath. The stopper pops off all by itself, unleashing a foul stench as the titular Vampire Breath floats out and seeps into the coffin.
The lid of the coffin falls to the floor behind them, revealing an ooky spooky old man sleeping inside. The twins know all about stranger danger and scurry off back down the hall as the man’s eyes open, but he must know a shortcut because he’s able to jump out in front of them and stop them in their tracks! He complains of being “so terribly thirsty” and introduces himself as Count Nightwing [Which also happens to be the name of the camp in Fear Street #12: Lights out. Recycling ideas, Stine?], then bangs on about how they’re “So young, so fresh, so full of life” after the twins reveal their names [Oh, to be young, fresh and full of life again :(].
Cara asks what we’re all not thinking because it’s blatantly obvious – “Are you a vampire?” [What gave it a way, hun?] which offends the Count, who fancies himself Lord of the Undead, not some “common creature of the night.” [Is this a criticism of the classism of society?]. The twins try to run away again, but the Count uses his telepathy to slam the door shut before they can escape, although he then encourages them to run because it warms the blood [So why are you blocking their path?????????].
Cornered, all Freddy and Cara can do is listen in terror as Count Nightwing ponders out loud what flavour he’s in the mood for; the rich and satisfying blood of boys, or the sweet, refreshing taste of girls [Pedo alert]. As he closes in on them, the twins realise the silly old Count has no fangs [What a loser]. The Lord of the Undead explains that needs his fangs to feed [Duh], but he took them out before he slept and can’t remember where he left them [A vampire with false teeth is an interesting idea that I’m sure won’t be used to it’s potential].
He announces that he needs to consume the rest of the Vampire Breath to help him remember, and then asks the kids where the bottle is. Now if you’re anything like me, you might be wondering why the hell he would think his soon-to-be victims would give up the location of the Vampire Breath, and also much like me, you might wonder why the fuck Freddy immediately tells him that they left it in the room with Nightwing’s coffin in it [Make it make sense, Freddy].
Freddy then offers the Count a deal – if the twins help him find the Vampire Breath, he has to let them go [You literally just told him where it was? He doesn’t need you?]. Count Nightwing is offended by the haggling, but commends Freddy’s bravery and demands to be taken to the bottle, seemingly ignoring the proposition [What the hell is going on? He just told you where it was, how hard can it be to find a bottle inside a room with nothing but a coffin inside?].
Inside the coffin room, Freddy and Cara crawl around on their hands and knees searching for the bottle while the Count impatiently paces back and forth. Freddy eventually finds the bottle, which of course was in plain sight on the ground [Where the fuck else would it be? Who the hell wrote this?]. The Count demands the bottle, advising them to “Never trust a vampire” when Freddy reminds him of their deal [Why are you betraying them before you get the Vampire Breath? These characters are fucking stupid], so the twins play Piggy in the Middle with the bottle [And Nightwing doesn’t even try to intercept it??]. Freddy then threatens to smash the bottle, but Cara warns that that’s exactly what the Count wants him to do [Duh, Fred, it’ll just release all the Vampire Breath. so he can breathe it in. Which reminds me, how come the lid popped off all by itself the first time, but doesn’t now?].
Nightwing tries to snatch the bottle from Freddy and after a brief struggle, Freddy and Cara, still holding the bottle, stumble into the upright coffin, which tips over backwards and down a slide [And the kids are now sitting in it and facing forward, with Freddy behind Cara despite her backing into the coffin first? God this episode is stupid]. They come to a stop in a room with a clearly drawn green-screened image of a bunch of coffins and find a girl about their age who pleads with them not to bite her.
The deathly pale girl introduces herself as Gwendolyn and reveals that the coffins are all empty right now because the vampires are hunting until sunrise. She basically their domestic slave, forced to sleep during the day like them and clean and polish their coffins at night, or else she’ll be turned into one of them [I think she already is, tbh]. The twins vow to help her escape with them before sunrise and before Count Nightwing gets them, and Gwendolyn wonders why “the most deadly vampire of all” is after them. Freddy tells her all about the Vampire Breath, which she asks to see [Uh oh]. Unfortunately Freddy no longer has it, and Gwendolyn suggests it got lost when they came crashing down here.
The three begin to search the room [And not one of them thinks to check the coffin they slid into the room inside????] as Gwendolyn explains that Vampire Breath is the vampires’ source of power and magic that also restores their memory and keeps them immortal:
“While the vampires sleep during the day, they stash their breath in a little bottle. That way if anything happens to them, their vitality is stored in a safe place.”
Freddy realises this must be why the Count wants the bottle so bad; it’ll help him remember where he left his fangs [This is not new information, Freddy, Nightwing already fucking told you this himself?!? I’m about to stab myself I can’t deal with the stupidity of these characters]. Count Nightwing then calls down the slide that he’s coming for them, and Freddy and Cara hide in two of the coffins, with Freddy secretly finding the Vampire Breath before he does so. The Count arrives and Gwendolyn plays dumb, insisting she hasn’t seen any children around. Nightwing knows she’s lying though, because although he’s 657 years old, he can still sniff out a meal!
In another act of pure stupidity, Cara slightly lifts the lid of her coffin to take a peek [WHY, Cara?] and is heard by the Count when she closes it again [Why are these people making such bad decisions? Why am I getting so mad about it?]. He rips open the coffin and helps Cara out, declaring he wouldn’t dream of hurting her [Huh? You wanted to eat her like, half an hour ago?]. Gwendolyn is all like “Where did she come from?!” [And her poorly acted delivery of the line is hilarious hahaha]. Cara informs him that they lost the Vampire Blood, but Nightwing’s not buying that, believing Freddy’s got it. He covers Cara’s mouth and accurately mimics her voice, begging for help and successfully luring Freddy out of hiding.
Nightwing agrees to let Cara go if Freddy hands over the bottle, but Freddy’s has his doubts because the Count already warned him never to trust a vampire [Wow, he must have grown a brain in that coffin]. He threatens to drop the Vampire Breath into a chasm that’s glowing red [I think it’s supposed to be lava?], so the Count releases Cara and lunges for him. Freddy tosses the bottle to Gwendolyn [Bad choice, my dude], who then reveals herself to be a vampire. And not just any vampire, as the Count explains, but “A greedy little vampire who dares to rob me of my breath!” [Hahahaha OK].
Gwendolyn gloats that there’s just enough left to make her more powerful than Count Nightwing [If that’s how it works, why have none of the other vampires already stolen and consumed it before?]. The count bolts over to her and they hilariously struggle over the bottle, giving the twins the chance to escape up the slide. Nightwing gets the upper hand and inhales the rest of the Vampire Breath, which decreases his appearance from that of an old grandpa to a middle-aged [And kinda good-looking ;)] man. He also remembers where his fangs are, and since Gwendolyn is starting to bug him, he turns her into an insect with the wave of his hand [We love a pun!].
He then chases after the kids, who have managed to escape back into their basement where their parents are waiting for them. Nightwing bursts in, and it’s revealed that the twins’ mother is his daughter! The parents are surprised to see him, claiming “We thought we’d lost you!” [Lost him where? What? You clearly fucking knew about this door in the basement], before sprouting their own fangs and explaining to the twins that they chose not to initiate them into the vampire lifestyle until they were teenagers. And with midnight only a minute away, they’re almost ready!
Grandpa Nightwing retrieves his fangs from a nearby cabinet [So he hid his fangs in the basement, which was sealed off to him by the cabinet in front of the door? Who wrote this, I need to have a word] before Cara and Freddy’s own fangs grow. Mum explains that they hurt at first, but they’ll be fine after their first meal, and then the episode ends as their parents take them upstairs to their bedroom to show them their birthday present – bunk bed coffins [Just what every teenage vampire wants – to go through puberty sharing a room]!
Final thoughts
This episode was fucking stupid, but it’s not the worst one I’ve watched so far. It was entertaining enough, as long as you suspend all belief and ignore the immense stupidity of literally every character. Nothing made sense and I’m sure you could dell I was losing my damn mind trying to understand the stupidity, so definitely turn your brain off if you decide to suffer through it. Or maybe just skip it and read the book, which I’m sure is a lot better but I don’t remember.
76 bottles of Vampire Breath hiding in plain sight on the ground but apparently easy to miss out of 138.
