We open in the past, where an old-fashioned young boy, Andrew, searches for a ghost in his room. Although he knows a g-g-g-g-ghost is afoot, he’s super terrified when one materialises and advances towards him [We see it through their shadows on the wall, which is a cool shot reminiscent of ‘Nosferatu’, but would a ghost even have a shadow??].
This is quickly revealed to be a story being told to a group of visitors, including protagonist Duane Comack, at the allegedly haunted Hill House by the tour guide Otto, who reveals the ghost pulled off Andrew’s head and hid it somewhere in the house, and “every night since then, Andrew’s ghost wanders these halls”‘, searching for his head. As the tour begins to move to another room, a hand grabs a little girl’s leg from under the bed [!!!].
It’s quickly revealed to be Duane’s bestie Stephanie, whose antics get them both kicked out because according to Otto, the spirits don’t appreciate their pranks, and he warns them not to come back until they’re ‘“willing to show Hill House the proper respect”‘.
Stephanie’s frothing over how well her prank went, but Duane thinks she went too far. Stephanie reckons that’s the point, citing ‘”the Twin Terrors of Wheeler Falls strike again!”‘ [OK, loser]. Duane thinks they’re getting too old for these shenanigans, but Stephanie wants to return tomorrow night and look for Andrew’s head. She bullies him into agreeing [I hate her], and they head off, completely oblivious to a pale boy watching them from the bushes.
The next night, Otto explains to a new tour group that a sea captain built Hill House for his love, but he died from a broken heart after returning from a voyage to find she’d left him for another man. His enraged spirit lived on, taking revenge on anyone who lives in the house and ‘”upon anyone who mocked the ghosts within”‘ [Hear that, Stephanie? You’re fucked m8].
Taking the tour upstairs, Otto points out portraits that represent each soul who lived in the house but died a horrible death, including one of Andrew, the headless ghost! Stephanie and Duane sneak off from the group in search of Andrew’s head, but unbeknown to them, the pale boy from the bushes is watching them once again [Surely he’s a ghost!].
Obnoxious Stephanie ignores a ‘Do not enter’ sign and drags Duane into the sea captain’s study, where she tricks Duane twice in a row into thinking she’s found Andrew’s head [Come on, Duane, as if it’d be that easy to find]. The pair hear footsteps approaching and hide in the closet, but are quickly found by Otto who bans them from Hill House while kicking them out once more, warning that he’s not responsible for what the spirits will do if they do return [Ooky spooky!].
Stephanie’s a total bitch, throwing a snowball at the door while insulting Otto, and a brief argument plays out between the best friends. Just as they’re about to leave, pale boy pops up out of nowhere, introduces himself as Seth and offers to show them the real ghosts of the house. So when Hill House closes for the night, the trio sneaks in through the basement, although Duane is super reluctant [Stephanie is not your friend, Duane! Axe her].
Exploring the house by candlelight, Seth leads them to a bedroom that’s not part of the tours. Stephanie finds a dumbwaiter in there, and Seth tells them of a spoiled boy who lived in the room and loved to eat strawberry ice-cream. He was constantly delivered it via the dumbwaiter and couldn’t get enough of it, until one day, the dumbwaiter didn’t come up all the way. Reaching down, the boy ended up falling to his death at the bottom of the dumbwaiter [wouldn’t he have landed on the platform though?], and when he was found later, ‘”it was hard to tell the difference between the boy’s face and the strawberry ice-cream”‘ [Lol, I don’t think so]. Seth also reveals that some people believe the boy was pushed to his death…by a ghost!
Stephanie doesn’t wanna hear stories though, she wants real ghosts, like Seth promised [Shut the fuck up, Stephanie]. Duane continues to be a reluctant member of the search party as the trio heads up another flight of stairs to the ‘”captain’s secret room”‘, which is just the attic, and there’s a whole artist’s setup in there. Seth explains that the captain’s ghost supposedly likes to paint the portrait of his latest victim.
Seth then locks the door and reveals his name is really Andrew, and has been ‘”for over 100 years”‘ [Ok…? Such a weird thing to say hahahaha]. Stephanie doesn’t believe him, since Andrew lost his head, but Seth explains this is just a head he borrowed, but it’s time to give it back – and he wants Duane’s! He promises it’ll come right off with a little twist and a snap, ‘”Just like a chicken leg”‘ [Hahahaha].
Luckily for Duane, the dumbwaiter starts rising up to them, and upon opening it, the real Andrew’s ghostly head rests on the platform [It’s the same Andrew from the start, so I’m assuming it’s the real one]. His headless ghost body appears behind Duane and Stephanie and approaches the dumbwaiter, picking up the head and accidentally dropping it [Hahahaha]. He then disappears through the wall with his head, and Stephanie demands to know who Seth really is, since he’s clearly not Andrew [What was the point of even lying about it, Seth?].
Otto suddenly appears out of nowhere, unlocking the door and allowing Duane to leave, but he wants to have a few words with that disrespectful bitch Stephanie. As soon as Duane’s gone, Otto reveals himself to be the ghost of the sea captain, much to Stephanie’s horror. Seth also reveals himself as the ice-cream boy, and Andrew also reappears as Otto begins painting Stephanie’s portrait [And Otto’s unrealistically fast at it, too!].
Otto scolds Stephanie for her continuous disrespect of Hill House, and Stephanie begins to fade into a ghost as Otto paints her likeness on the canvas. She does manage to let out a scream though, alerting Duane who bolts back up to the attic to save the day [Apparently Otto didn’t lock the door again for some reason]. Duane picks up a bucket of water from the floor [Convenient lol] and throws it on Stephanie’s portrait [Sound’s like a bad girl group name], dissolving the painting with bad CGI and making Stephanie whole again [I would have left her to rot]. Then the pair scurry from the house as Otto screams behind them.
We then cut to sometime in the future, where the abandoned Hill House has just been purchased by a middle-aged couple looking for a fixer-upper. The real estate scoffs at the idea the place is haunted when the couple mentions what they’ve heard, joking that he’s a ghost before it’s revealed to be Otto, who breaks the fourth wall by smirking at the camera as the episode ends.
Final thoughts
Finally, some real horror! I remember this being one of the better books as a kid because it was genuinely spooky. It’s been years since I’ve read it, but I’m pretty sure this adaption changed the storyline a bit. It was still a good episode, but I feel like it would have benefitted from being a two-parter so we could learn about more Hill House ghosts and hopefully see less screen time for the utterly intolerable Stephanie. Oh well.
48 idiots who can’t tell the difference between strawberry ice cream and a mangled face out of 57!
