After the banger that is the Goosebumps theme tune, we open with Joe Burton playing catch in the backyard with older sister Mindy. Joe’s super critical of her throwing skills, so Mindy throws it over the fence into the neighbour’s yard [I’d prob do the same, the little shit]. Mindy has no interest in retrieving it [Talk shit, get your ball thrown over the fence, Joe] in case the owner comes out but Joe’s sick of losing all their stuff [Maybe stop throwing things over there then?] and scampers on over. Of course he’s busted by the owner of the property, Major McCall, who picks up the ball and declares it his now, ordering Joe to stay out of his garden.
The kids’ dad comes home, [And he’s a dilf!] excited about the two new garden gnomes he’s just purchased, but Joe thinks they’re ‘”weird-looking” [Just say weird! You don’t need ‘looking’ there] and ‘”kind of evil-looking”‘. Mindy thinks they’re cute, and Dad reckons they’re sure to win the Summer Garden Contest with these bad boys in their backyard [The garden ain’t that great with or without them, my dude].
As they set the gnomes up in the garden, Major McCall waltzes over uninvited to insult Dad’s yard, calling the gnomes ridiculous and ‘”a disgrace to the whole neighbourhood.”‘ [Wow, rude]. He urges Dad to get rid of the statues and ornaments in his garden, since it’s all junk, but the kids jump to their father’s defence. The adults decide the judges will determine who’s garden is better, prompting Major McCall to monologue about how immaculate his yard is [Your garden’s shit too, m8].
Joe’s a little smartass to him [Which I love!], and Major McCall warns him against any sneaky night attacks. Dad assures him they have no intention of playing dirty, but since Joe was caught in his garden earlier, McCall threatens that ‘”If anything happens to my garden, I’ll be looking for him.”‘ [Tough guy, huh?].
That night we get a POV of one of the new gnomes sneaking into the Major’s yard and ruining his melons. Major McCall ain’t happy when he finds out in the morning and marches right over to the Burtons’, accusing Joe of being the culprit. Joe suggests raccoons destroyed the melons, but raccoons don’t throw melons at walls, and Major McCall’s never seen a raccoon do this:
[That is pure art]. The Major doesn’t believe Joe’s protests of innocence and warns Dad that ‘”it’s gonna take more than dirty tricks for you to win this contest”‘ before leaving. Joe insists he didn’t do it, and Dad seems to believe him [Parents believing their kids?! Wow] as he suggests he just stay out of Major McCall’s way.
Later that day, Joe and Mindy use the gnomes as targets for a game of ring toss before they’re interrupted by Major McCall over the hedge that separates the yards. He just wants Joe to know that he’ll be waiting for him next time he dares enter his yard. Mindy echoes Dad’s words, encouraging Joe to just stay out of McCall’s way. As she heads off, Joe notices black ink on one of the gnomes’ hands [!!!] as well as a melon seed stuck to his face [!!!!!].
That night, we actually see the gnomes come alive! Joe wakes up and looks out the window, seeing some red eyes glowing through some trees [What the hell are they?]. For some reason he goes out to investigate [I’d be too scared], noticing that the gnomes have now vanished. The red eyes turn out to be a raccoon [I think? It’s some kind of small animal either way], and with that mystery solved, Joe sneaks into Major McCall’s garden and finds the gnomes destroying the yard.
The gnomes spot him and advance menacingly toward Joe, but suddenly some spotlights turn on, illuminating the whole backyard. The gnomes freeze in place and soon Major McCall comes outside, ecstatic to catch Joe in the act. Joe blames it on the gnomes, but as he turns back to them, they shut their eyes, the painted-on eyeballs making them look like statues once more.
Major McCall’s distraught over the state of his yard and topples over the gnomes in anger. Joe’s father appears to suss out the commotion, and Joe continues insisting the gnomes are responsible. Dad’s not buying it, though, and decides Joe’s punishment will be fixing the Major’s yard until it’s perfect [Boring].
The next day, as Joe replants the Major’s yard, Mindy teases him from their own backyard as she rests in a hammock with a nice cold drink [Hahahaha I love her], suggesting the gnomes will finish his work if he asks nicely [Sassy pants!]. Joe is determined to prove to her the gnomes are alive, but Mindy’s not holding her breath.
That night, Joe’s waiting at his window with a video camera for the gnomes to do their thing, but of course as soon as they start moving he realises there’s no tape in the camera [Really? It never occurred to you to check earlier? idiot].
By the time he’s got the tape in the gnomes are gone, so Joe tries to wake up his parents. Dad, half asleep still, insists Joe just had a bad dream and dismisses him, so Joe wakes up Mindy instead, and her first reaction is ‘”What are you doing in my room?”‘ [Hahahaha].
She follows him outside but suspects he hid the gnomes somewhere when she realises they really are gone. They hear a noise coming from further back in the yard and go exploring, but they’re quickly chased by a small group of garden gnomes [Terrifying!]. The gnomes surround the kids and debate whether to cast a spell on them or squish them [Hahahaha]. Mindy demands to know why they’re doing this, and the gnomes declare it’s in their nature to make mischief, ‘”anywhere, anytime, and to anyone… like you!”‘
The two main gnomes quickly start scuffling after one of them accidentally hits the other, and the flashlight they’d stolen off the kids falls to the ground, turning on. The light lands on another gnome and freezes him in place, and the kids realise they can use the light to their advantage. Joe manages to grab the flashlight, walking backwards as they try to freeze more advancing gnomes. The kids eventually stumble into Major McCall’s yard before the flashlight goes out for good [I wonder if they were Energizer batteries?].
Mindy ends up falling over [Clumsy ox!], and just as the gnomes are about to jump on her, the spotlights surrounding the yard turn on again [Are they motion-sensored? Because they seem to pick and choose when to turn on]. As the gnomes run away, some freezing in place, Major McCall comes running out of the house, once again thinking he’s caught the kids red-handed. The kids quickly scramble home before he can catch them, and Major McCall picks up a gnome so he can get rid of it for good. The gnome quickly comes alive and reaches for the major as he screams in horror [!!!].
Sometime later, the judges are checking over the Burtons’ yard for the Summer Garden Contest. They notice something unusual near the back and don’t sound impressed as they quietly discuss whatever it is. Returning to the family to compliment Dad’s way of ‘”mixing the natural world with whimsy and fantasy”‘, the judges reveal Dad hasn’t won because of the thing at the back that’s so ugly and jarring. The Burtons have absolutely no idea what he means, so the judges lead them to the back and point out the ‘”hideous lawn ornament”‘, and the episode ends with the family realising Major McCall has been turned into a garden ornament [Ooky spooky!].
Final thoughts
This one wasn’t super exciting or scary, but it was still fun I guess. It would have been good to see more of the gnomes in action and an explanation of why they’re alive, but oh well. Major McCall was a flog who got what he deserved, but I wonder what’ll happen now, since the gnomes weren’t really defeated? They’re still gonna be running around at night making mischief, right? I feel like their backstory is explained in the book, but I don’t recall it being a particular favourite of mine so I probably didn’t read it enough to remember correctly. Also, what did the Burtons think happened to Major McCall anyway? He seemed to be in their faces a lot, so wouldn’t they have noticed he stopped butting in all of a sudden? Oh well.
This episode was neither here nor there for me, but there was nothing overly terrible, so 73 destroyed melons in Major McCall’s yard out of 142!
