The episode begins with our protagonist, Jeff Carter, being pranked with a rubber spider by his older sister Kim [Played by A.J. Cook from ‘Criminal Minds’ or, for us horror fans, ‘Wishmaster 3’ and ‘Final Destination 2’] and her best friend Shawna [Cheeky little devils!]. Downstairs, Mum’s accepting a delivery – an ancient mummy from her husband who’s on site “all the way from Egypt!” Mum’s confused about why it’s being delivered here instead of directly to the museum [Yeah, seems like a weird place for a delivery that I’m assuming would be a huge deal, right?], but accepts it anyway, instructing the deliverymen to take it to the cellar round back.
Down in the cellar, the family inspects the delivery of a mummy in his sarcophagus as well as canopic jar [Where Egyptians stored internal organs to store and preserve organs during the mummification process, which is interesting]. Jeff, who’s easily frightened, isn’t too keen on their new houseguest, and mean old Kim takes the opportunity to scare him by grabbing his shoulder while wearing a raggedy old mummy glove [Why does she just have a random mummy glove?].
After breaking up their fight, Mum explains the delivery will be sticking around for a few days since she “can’t reach anyone at the museum til Monday” [Are museums not open weekends? Seems weird. Also, why go to the trouble of unboxing the whole damn thing if you were hoping to get it to the museum asap?], terrifying poor Jeff but causing Kim’s to froth at the mouth in excitement. Mum’s apparently fluent in hieroglyphics and reads out some of the inscription on the sarcophagus, revealing that the mummy’s name is “Amen Lucax, 12th son of Ramses II, ruler of the New Kingdom over 4,000 years ago” [A royal visitor! How exciting]. As everyone heads back upstairs, we see the lid of the canopic jar turn 180 degrees all by itself [!!!!!].
Mum heads out for a function later that night and leaves while the kids are having dinner, and for some reason the canopic jar is at the table with them [Why is it having dinner with them hahahaha]. Shawna wonders what’s in the jar, so Kim explains with relish how their organs are stored inside, including their brains, which are picked out “through their nose with this big hook thing!”
Later, they watch a black and white horror film about a mummy Kim 100% picked out on purpose to scare Jeff [She’s way too old to be this big of a bully]. In one scene of the movie, one of the explorers has a canopic jar filled with the attacking mummy’s organs [Do our organs turn into dust over time? That’s kinda cool], referring to it as mummy dust and claiming he has power over the mummy [I’m sure this’ll be important later]. Poor Jeff is shitting bricks and turns the movie off, and Kim realises how dumb it is to be watching a movie about mummies when they have a real one downstairs!
Down to the cellar they go, but a reluctant Jeff is worried about a potential curse, and Shawna’s also hesitant to open the sarcophagus. Kim’s too obnoxious to be scared and orders Shawna to help her, unknowingly breaking some kind of seal as they lift the lid off. Inside is a shrivelled old mummy as well as a mummified cat to keep him company. Jeff seems in awe of the corpses, and this distraction allows Kim and Shawna to sneak upstairs and lock him in the cellar [These two are awful. Shawna’s not so bad, but she just does whatever Kim tells her to]. And then the mummy sits up and moans [!!!!!].
Jeff manages to escape into the backyard and alert the girls, who head down to see for themselves. Of course the mummy is lying down again, but Shawna shows off her observation skills when she realises the mummy’s arms aren’t crossed anymore! Kim thinks she’s just talking shit, though, and they place the lid back on, oblivious to the mummy’s one good eye opening as they do so.
Later, Jeff is in bed hiding under the covers, too scared to sleep, and ends up attacking Mum with a pillow when she comes in to check on him [Hahaha poor mum]. He tells her the mummy’s alive, but she just thinks he had a nightmare because Kim got him all worked up. Mum still has some work to do downstairs and suggests Jeff joins her since he clearly won’t be sleeping anytime soon.
Elsewhere, Kim’s planning the ultimate prank to scare Jeff, and Shawna asks why she hates her brother so much [A very good question, Shawna!]. Kim doesn’t hate Jeff, he’s just a massive wimp, “and wimps get what they ask for!” [I don’t think Jeff has ever asked to be bullied every five seconds, Kim]. Back in the cellar, Mum reads some more hieroglyphics and discovers that this mummy “became Pharaoh of all Egypt,” which is an incredible discovery because up until now, everyone believed it was Ramses II’s 11th son who became Pharaoh. Not only that, but our mummy friend apparently killed his brother to score the throne! “Jeez, and I thought Kim was mean” quips Jeff [Hahahaha], whose jovial mood quickly evaporates as his brain processes that the mummy was a murderer.
Later, presumably after the kids have gone to bed, Mum’s still awake studying the canopic jar when she receives a call from her husband in Egypt. We then cut to Dad on the other side of the phone, standing in front of a green screened image of pyramids, although it’s not the worst green screen effect we’ve seen thanks to an actual tent and other equipment behind Dad [They’ve got a budget for this episode!]. He explains he sent the mummy to the house in the hopes she could decipher the hieroglyphics on its coffin, since he found a message of high importance within the hieroglyphics in the mummies tomb [Why couldn’t he just read what was on the sarcophagus himself?].
Instead of finding out what the message on the tomb says, though, we cut to Jeff’s room where there’s a mummy walking in [!!!]. It’s just Kim in disguise though, and Jeff is so sick of her bullshit at this point [Mood] that he attacks her right then and there [Good for you, Jeff!]. Mum comes running and orders them all back to bed before she comes face to face with the real mummy walking up the stairs [It’s a super creepy shot!].
Her scream lures Jeff out to the hall, who assumes the mummy is just Kim again and approaches it while criticising how fake it looks [I mean he’s not wrong, the face is clearly a mask], but he realises his mistake when Kim and Shawna come out of her room. The mummy starts throwing punches at Jeff, while Mum, Shawna and Kim attempt to flee down the stairs. Unfortunately the mummy notices and manages to grab hold of Kim, and a tug of war ensues as Jeff tries to save his sister [Ew Jeff, don’t try to save her! Also I love how Mum is concerned with her own safety rather than her kids’ hahahaha].
Jeff and Kim’s combined weight proves too strong for the mummy and they go tumbling down the stairs when his arm is ripped off. They’re unharmed, luckily, but the mummy ain’t no quitter and comes lumbering after them. Jeff suddenly has a bright idea and races to the dining room, returning with the canopic jar. Inspired by the movie they were watching earlier, Jeff asserts his power over the mummy now that he holds the mummy dust [Do you really think this will work, Jeff?].
Mum warns that the mummy is after his heart, which is in the jar [So the heart is whole? Not dust?], and reveals what Dad told her on the phone – if the mummy gets his heart, he’ll de-mummify and “become a living human again!”
“A living, human killer!?” cries Jeff, absolutely dumbstruck [What a stupid thing to say], and as the mummy attacks, Jeff accidentally throws the jar into the kitchen sink where it smashes to pieces, unleashing the mummy’s still-beating heart [Grosssssss]. The heart lands half in, half out of the garbage disposal, and Jeff bravely struggles with the mummy to reach the sink first. Although he’s captured by the corpse, Jeff manages to hit the switch with his foot, obliterating the heart and stopping the mummy in its tracks. The mummy turns into dust, leaving behind nothing but the bandages and some bones. “Now that’s what I call mummy dust!” cracks Shawna in a failed attempt at humour.
Then next morning, the family are discussing over breakfast how last night was even possible. Mum is particularly confused since according to legend, the mummy could only be revived if the sacred seal was broken and the sarcophagus opened [You don’t say!]. Jeff declares that at least one good thing came out of it – he’ll never be scared of anything again, since nothing could be more frightening than that, which gets a high-five from Kim [So they’re besties now?].
They hear a cat meowing at the back door, and believing it to be the neighbour’s cat, Jeff opens the door to give it some milk, and then episode ends with one final scare as the mummified cat we saw earlier lunges for him [!!!].
Final thoughts
I’m not that interested in mummy stuff, but this episode wasn’t too bad. There’s worse ones to watch, but there’s definitely better ones, so this is pretty middle-of-the-road for me. Kim was annoying and Shawna had no real purpose, but Jeff had a good character arc, transforming from a scared little kid to a brave hero determined to protect his family. There’s really not much else to say about this one!
45 still-beating hearts inside a canopic jar out of 78.
